In A Beat
by ShortGirlWithAPen
Summary: Sirius Black at ages eleven, fourteen, seventeen, twenty, and during OotP. Rated T just to be safe.


**Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter or any of its characters!**

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 _In a beat, he is here_

Sirius almost couldn't believe it when he was sorted into Gryffindor. One of the first of his family to be sorted into a House other than Slytherin? Definitely unheard of, something that would get him in trouble, he was sure. Sure to his House, Sirius sat there with an almost emotionless expression as the Howler yelled at him for being in Gryffindor, much to James, Remus, and Peter's disbelief. Even though they had only met Sirius the day before on the train, they were surprised someone like him would have been forced- or at least tried to be forced- into something they weren't. But he was too stubborn to be forced into doing anything, right? Even in the couple days they had known him, Sirius Black did not seem the type to be influenced that easily, not caring what other people said or did. But that's how things needed to be, especially with people like him.

 _In a beat, he is keeping your secrets_

Fourteen was so young to have so many secrets, and to anyone else who would know the things he did, it would seem almost too young to have the kind of secrets he did. Between how his family was treating him, Remus's condition, and the things the Marauders were planning, there was a lot of things Sirius couldn't say, and in fact didn't. His parents had tried to get that out of him, but he refused to say anything about what he and his friends had gotten up to. They would ban him from ever talking to them again if they found out that he had become friends with a werewolf and two other people who were planning to go through with the plan to become animals whenever they felt like it. Still, when had Sirius ever fully listened to his parents' rules anymore? This whole thing caused Sirius to act out more around them, though it only got him hurt worse. So it could be said that Sirius didn't know when to stop- but did he ever in the first place?

 _In a beat, he is careful_

At age seventeen, the Marauders were about to graduate from Hogwarts. Things were happening left and right; James and Lily had gotten together at last, the Marauders had found out the year before about what his parents were doing- which was much to the relief of Sirius, at least somewhat, as he now had one less secret to keep around them- and the Map had finally been finished. Even when the full moon was nowhere around, they could use it to keep from getting in trouble while pulling pranks now.

Still, there was going to be a war going on, they could all tell it. Sirius had started preparing himself for potentially having to fight his brother, the only person that came close to him caring about in the slightest, at least in his family. He had hoped that Regulus hadn't listened to their parents, but apparently he hadn't. He found himself wondering if it would ever come to him fighting his brother, though he doubted it. What were the odds in that happening, anyway? Very little, but he knew Voldemort- what was the point of being scared of the name, anyway?- could have Regulus fighting at any moment. And honestly, the chance that it could happen was one of the things that scared Sirius the most.

 _In a beat, he is worried for you_

They were twenty now, things were getting going. There was, in fact, a war going on now, and it scared Sirius so much, though he wouldn't say anything about that. Considering that James and Lily had a kid now- Harry, but he has so many nicknames it's a wonder that any of them know his actual name- he was what Sirius was worried about. What if James and Lily died, leaving Harry alone?

Every moment that Remus had to go out for a mission without him, Sirius worried. If he didn't come back, how would he live with himself, knowing there was a way that he could have convinced Remus to let him go along with him. Sirius knew that any one of them could die at any given moment, but that didn't help him any- it never did, though it sometimes gave Sirius the motivation to live life as he came to it, though the opportunity didn't show itself often. So, when Lily and James began to go into hiding, Sirius would sometimes take Remus by muggle shops when they were both free from missions and everything else they had to do and just get away from it all for a bit, until the next thing came up and they couldn't do that anymore. That was their life now, and it was something they had to go through with until all this was over.

 _In a beat, he is gone_

Twelve years in Azkaban had hurt Sirius so badly; the members of the Order who had known him before he had went there could see it so clearly. There was a darkness to his eyes now that there wasn't before, almost making him look haunted. It surely didn't help him that he hardly slept anymore, having dreams about what he was forced to relive almost every night, but he almost seems too young to have already gone through such things. So many of them did at this point, and they all seemed to serious now, so much more serious than they would be if there was no Voldemort, if there was no war going on, and that just makes it so much worse.

Remus stayed at 12 Grimmauld Place a few times, trying to get some words out of Sirius that actually made some sense. Still, there was a lot of things mumbled from Sirius, but one night it had gotten bad enough that Sirius had started yelling, and Remus found himself glad that they were the only two there that evening.

"Can't you make it stop, Remus? I see _them_ every night, and they're dead and it's my fault!" Sirius looked like he wanted to hit something at that moment, nothing but pure hurt and anger in his eyes. "I should have never talked them into letting _Pettigrew_ keep their secrets." Sirius was shaking now, tears filling his eyes, though he was careful not to let them fall. Remus could see this and tried to reach out to Sirius. "If it wasn't for me, they would've been alive right now!"

"Sirius, please listen to me. I want to help you. I really do, but where do I start?" Remus met Sirius's eyes, saw every bit of the hurt that filled Sirius's eyes. "Please let me help you."

Sirius ducked his head, leaning his forehead on Remus's chest. "Make the memories stop then. Let me have some peace without having the bad ones around." The dark haired man says quietly. "I want some peace for once."

Remus nods slightly, his arms wrapping around Sirius. "I'm not sure I can make the memories go away, but I can try my best to help you." He sighs softly, looking at the man who hadn't pulled away from him. "Lily and James weren't your fault. That's on all of them, you know that, right? You didn't know what Pettigrew would do."

Remus felt his heart break as he heard sobs force their way out of Sirius's throat, knowing the Sirius he had known as a teenager wasn't there anymore. He was broken now and Remus wasn't sure he knew how to fix him, or even if he could. But he was still there, trying to help Sirius, and that's what was important, right?


End file.
